Fated to Die
by SeraphJewel
Summary: Troubled by his Wind Tunnel, Miroku decides to leave his friends and travel alone. He has no idea how one of his friends will react to this decision.
1. Abandoned

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, though he is one of my muses. *hugs Inuyasha muse* I honestly don't know why I write so many angsty stories. I swear I'm not depressed or anything; it just turns out that most of my stories so far are angsty. Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that. Enjoy the story.

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Fated to Die

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One: Abandoned

Things could have been different if only Naraku hadn't attacked a priest fifty years ago. But alas, it was no good to dwell on "if onlys"; it didn't change anything, it didn't help anything. All it did was to sink him further into despair. His future was definite: it loomed up before him like a terrifying monster, reaching out its cold hands to claim him. The hours and days he spent only prolonged the inevitable, and only drew those cold hands closer. There was no use lying to him about what was to happen, so he was given the truth. There were times he wished that he could stop everything, to prevent it, but there was only one cure and he hadn't the strength to get it.

When he was a small boy he had watched his father die. The incident had disturbed him so greatly that for a long time he spoke to no one, reliving the horror over and over in his dreams. Even now, his ears rang with the painful shrieks his father had uttered as his body was destroyed by the curse. He often thought of it at night: the nightmares plagued him still, many years after his father had died. Sometimes, when his friends were asleep, he would sit awake at night weeping over the fate he could not run from and could not forget. 

He laid on his back and stared thoughtfully at his right hand. That hand had caused him so much anguish and sorrow in his life, and yet at the same time it was a great help in battle. _A curse and a blessing all in one... just like the Shikkon Jewel,_ he thought. The jewel also had the power to invoke good and evil; it brought sorrow to everyone it came near, just as his curse brought sorrow to him. He stood up and walked a distance away from his friends, his eyes still fixed on his right hand. He needed some time alone to think, and when the tears came he did not want to chance his friends waking up and seeing him. Once he felt he was safely away from them, he sank in the cool grass and allowed the tears to come. This was the full torture of the curse: it gave the bearer constant grief and sorrow while they lived, and it ushered in a premature and painful death. Such was his face, his nightmare, and no matter how happy he seemed on the outside, inside he had fallen into deep depression.

Before he had met Kagome and the others, the prospect of death hadn't been so painful to him. Now he had friends, and sometimes he couldn't even look at them, knowing that he would have to leave them some day. They knew of the curse he bore, but they were unaware of the sorrow he locked away in his heart. His whole body shook with sobs and he was finding it hard to breathe. Suicide had been an option he dwelled on in his most hopeless moments, and he considered that path now. It would certainly save him and his friends the pain and grief that would come, but there was the faintest hope that he could indeed cure himself. The hope grew dimmer as the days wore on. He could actually see his life slipping slowly away from him like sand through his fingers, and nothing he could do would stop it.

"Miroku?" He gasped and hurriedly wiped a sleeve across his eyes. Sango had come up behind him without a sound, and now she stood there with her beautiful face etched in concern. "Are you all right? It sounded like an animal was dying or something." The mention of death sunk his heart, but outwardly he smiled at the Demon Slayer. _She heard me crying,_ he realized. As much as he enjoyed looking at her, he turned his face away so she wouldn't see the tearstains.

"I'm fine," he lied. "I just needed to be alone for a while." Sango quietly sat down next to him and placed her hand on his right arm. He instinctively pulled away.

"I thought so," she said. "I saw you staring at your hand again. Has the Wind Tunnel grown larger?" He didn't trust himself to reply. He hadn't the spirit to do his usual groping and flirting, so he just sat quietly and hoped she would soon leave him. "It has, hasn't it? Don't worry, Miroku. We will defeat Naraku and it will close up; you'll have your life back." The tender way she spoke those words surprised him. He turned to her and saw she was smiling at him, her eyes gazing at him in a way they had never done before. "You can't give up," she continued. "We'll all be with you until the end. _I'll_ be with you." She stroked his cheek with her fingers, then stood up and went back to camp.

Miroku watched her go, his heart pattering in his chest. _What in the world was that all about?_ he wondered. She had never spoken to him like that before, or looked at him that way, or touched him that gently. He pressed his hand to the spot where she touched him. _Could it be that she...?_ No, he didn't dare hope for that. Even if she did, it wouldn't make things easier for him; it would only make the pain he bore grow worse. He stared at his right hand and could feel a new storm of sorrow brewing inside him. He truly cared for Sango, and not just because of her body. Simply being near her was enough for him, and hearing her voice was like listening to music. _How careless of me to allow these feelings to grow,_ he thought. _This must end. I can't bear doing this any longer; I'm only hurting my friends. I must leave at once._ He stood up and quietly went back to camp.

When he returned, Sango was missing. This disappointed him, for he had wanted to see her one last time before he left. He picked up what possessions he owned and gazed down at his sleeping friends. As he stared he realized he was going to miss them very much. _It's for the best,_ he decided. Inuyasha would probably be happy to see him go; Kagome and Shippo would be distressed. _They'll come looking for me. I must be careful to leave no scent for Inuyasha to follow._ He put his hand over the rings on his staff so they wouldn't jingle as he turned and walked away into the night. As he got further from Sango, it felt like a part of his heart was being torn away, but he did not look back.

After she left Miroku, Sango had to take a moment alone herself. She stood gazing up at the stars, her hand pressed to her chest to keep her heart from leaping out. Miroku's cheek had felt wet when she touched it, and when she brought her fingers to her nose she could smell tears. _He was crying. Was it because of the Wind Tunnel?_ She knew that the Wind Tunnel was always on Miroku's mind, but she never suspected it gave him so much sorrow. She had woken up and saw him staring at his right hand. She watched him do this for a long time before he arose. She continued to stare in his direction, and soon she heard something that to her sounded like an animal dying. Now she realized that the sound had been Miroku weeping. Was there that much pain, anguish, and sorrow in his heart? She had been drawn to him, drawn to comfort him and assure him everything would be all right. Her last words to him echoed in her mind: _We'll all be with you until the end. I'll be with you._

She shook her head, trying to rid her cheeks of the burning flush. Certainly Miroku was handsome, wise, and kind, but he was still a lecher. But even as she thought that, she remembered how jealous she had been whenever Miroku would have his eyes on another woman. When his wandering eyes came to her, she was frustrated that he was looking at her breasts and not her face. He had almost kissed her once; it embarrassed her how clearly she remembered it. She tried to imagine what it would have felt like if he _had_ kissed her: how his warm lips would feel on hers, their bodies pressed together and sharing each others' body heat... _Whoa, what the...? Now I'm starting to have perverted thoughts!_ But she couldn't deny the thought had excited her, and made her blush deeper. The image had been so clear it almost felt real. She couldn't be feeling what she thought she was. She was just tired, that was all. She returned to camp and found Miroku had still not returned. This discovery made her feel sad and alone; she crawled back into her warm sheets and stared at the spot he would have occupied had he been there.

"Miroku...," she whispered, the word spoken with sadness and longing. She wanted to stay awake until he returned, but her eyelids refused and she drifted off to sleep.

Someone was shaking her awake. She was deeply immersed in an embarrassing but enjoyable dream about Miroku. As her time with him grew, these dreams had become more frequent. She heard her name being called and for a moment she thought it was Miroku. Her heart fluttered and she pulled herself awake. She was disappointed to discover she had only imagined the voice being Miroku's: it had been Shippo saying her name. She yawned and stretched out her limbs, scratching Kilala behind the ears.

"Good morning," she greeted pleasantly. Her eyes searched for Miroku but could not find him. His staff was gone, along with all of his belongings. Seeing his things gone made her feel like she had just been thrown forcibly to the ground. "Where's Miroku?" she asked weakly.

"I don't know," confessed Kagome, wringing her hands worriedly. "He was gone when we woke up."

"Gone?" echoed Sango in horror. "But... he never said a word to us." Her mind raced as she tried to think of where Miroku may have gone, but nothing came to her. His absence made her feel empty inside and her heart felt torn in half. _Could it have been because of the Wind Tunnel?_ she wondered.

"I can't pick up his scent, either," noted Inuyasha. He growled angrily. "Man, I hate it when that stupid monk goes off on his own. It pisses me off!"

"Be quiet, Inuyasha!" snapped Sango. "You have no idea what Miroku's going through, so just leave him alone!" Her friends gaped at her in surprise. She blushed and turned away from their questioning eyes.

"What's wrong, Sango?" asked Kagome.

"Nothing," answered the Demon Slayer. "I... I'm just... tired, I guess." She didn't want her friends to know how worried she was about Miroku, and how hurt she was that he had left without even saying good-bye.

"We gotta find him!" insisted Shippo. "Naraku may try and kill him again!"

"Shippo, don't even _think_ of such a thing!" shouted Sango; she didn't care that her actions caught her friends by surprise. She was far too upset about Miroku's absence to care what they thought. The prospect of Miroku dying had always been a problem for her, though until recently she hadn't admitted to herself the reason. Now that Miroku was alone and vulnerable, she feared for his safety. _He can't use his Wind Tunnel because of Naraku's insects. Oh, Miroku. Why did you have to go off on your own?_ Inuyasha was crawling on the ground, smelling the grass in hopes of picking up Miroku's scent.

"I can smell him here, but this is where he was last night." He crawled a few more feet. "Here I smell tears. Oh, _yuck_!"

"What is it?" asked Kagome, joining him. Inuyasha held up an onion, pinching his nose so he wouldn't have to smell it. Kagome stuck out her tongue in disgust. Sango and Shippo joined them as well. Sango saw the onion and immediately realized that Miroku had purposefully made it so they couldn't track him. _He doesn't want to be found... but why?_ Tears formed in her eyes, and it wasn't because of the onion. 

"I can't pick up anything else with this around," said Inuyasha, chucking the onion away. The air was still heavy with its smell, so he was forced to keep his nose covered. "Damn that Miroku! What's he think he's doing, going off and leaving us like that? He obviously didn't want us following him; what's that guy up to?"

"Maybe he's just gone for a little while," suggested Shippo hopefully. Sango desperately wanted to believe that, but she knew it just wasn't true. Miroku had left them, left _her_, and he had no intention of returning. She closed her eyes and forced the tears not to fall.

"What are we going to do?" mused Kagome. "We can't just abandon him."

"Hey, he's the one that abandoned us!" shouted Inuyasha. "If he wants to go off, I say let him!" Sango turned to him and slapped him as hard as she could.

"How dare you say that!" she screamed. The tears came now, but she paid them no mind. "Don't you get it? Miroku could _die_ out there! We've _got_ to find him!"

"Sango..." Kagome reached out a gentle hand, but Sango backed away. 

"I'm sorry, I.... I have to go now." She turned and ran off with tears blinding her vision. Kilala scurried to follow her, but a firm command of, "No, Kilala! You stay!" stopped her.

"Sango! Hey, come back here!" ordered Inuyasha. He started to run after her.

"Sit!" 

KER-PLOP!

"What'd you do that for, Kagome?" asked Shippo.

"I think it would be better if we leave her alone for a while," she replied. She watched Sango disappear from view. "You see, I know what it's like to be abandoned by someone I love, so I understand what she's going through." Inuyasha had been giving her an inquisitive stare when she said this; she blushed and turned away.

"When were _you_ ever abandoned?" wondered Shippo in naive curiosity.

"Never mind. It's not important; forget I said it."

"Kagome..." Inuyasha's eyes were full of concern.

"Hey, I _said_ it wasn't important. We need to leave them alone for a while and keep looking for jewel shards." She mounted her bike and pedaled off. Inuyasha and Shippo exchanged confused looks, and followed.

Sango couldn't see where she was going. The tears streamed down her cheeks, blurring her vision. Her legs continued to pound on the ground, putting as much distance between herself and her friends as she could. _Don't follow me,_ she prayed. She ran and ran, then her foot snagged on a rock and she tumbled to the ground. She pushed herself into a sitting position but didn't try to get back on her feet. She sat there in the grass, ignoring the pain her fall had inflicted. The pain in her heart was so great that nothing else fazed her. She hugged herself, rocking back and forth and weeping bitterly. It was now her that sounded like a dying animal, her that cried out in anguish. The world was cold and indifferent to her suffering; it offered her no comfort. She wept and wept, so grieved that she didn't even care if a demon attacked her.

Perhaps what brought her the most pain was how Miroku would never know that his absence had given her so much grief. Sango felt like she was being ripped apart from the inside and her heart thrown into a pit of angry demons. She felt empty, alone, abandoned, frightened, despairing, hopeless, unwanted, unloved, and Miroku would never know. She had gotten used to seeing his face every day; gotten used to his voice; was used to his eyes staring at her lecherously; grew to enjoy his company; and had even grown accustomed, though far from tolerant, to his hands groping her. She wished he had been interested in more than just her body, but now that he was gone she decided she wouldn't mind it so much. She had been too stubborn to admit to herself she was falling in love with the amorous monk and now it was too late for her to tell him. He would never know now how she felt, and that made her pain even worse.

At last she couldn't seem to cry any longer, and got up using her boomerang to help her to her feet. She walked for a few minutes in a daze. She was emotionally and physically drained and her feet seemed to be moving of their own accord. The world loomed in around her like a bird of prey, threatening and unfriendly. She was all alone for the second time in her life. A new wave of sorrow crashed down upon her and she collapsed to her knees again. Her weapon fell down at her side. She thought she had used all of her tears, but more came, stinging her eyes and cheeks. She curled up in a little ball and wept. All she could think about was Miroku, and how desperately she wished to see him again. He was gone from her life, possibly forever. She let out a piteous moan as she thought this, and laid in the grass drowning in her own sorrow. 


	2. Separated

Note: Sorry about the late update, but, I've got a lot of Inuyasha stories I'm working on, plus an interactive fic and I'm in the process of building a Miroku/Sango shrine. 

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Two: Separated

On his own again, he tried to get back to the way things were before he met up with Inuyasha and Kagome. But he simply didn't have the spirit any longer. It was as if he had left his heart behind: he no longer moved with any enthusiasm, and he felt weary all the time. His imminent death seemed to be looming closer than ever, taunting his misery and inviting him into its embrace. He didn't want to go the easy way and take his own life, but the idea grew more tempting until he longed for a sharp weapon or a cliff. He actually found himself praying for a demon to come and tear him apart, since he already felt torn apart on the inside.

His death was always on his mind, plaguing him, but now solitude also consumed his thoughts. He had never been bothered with traveling alone before; now the misery of his loneliness ate away at him like a ravenous wolf, robbing him of his will to wake up the next day. Nights were the worst. If he slept he only had nightmares waiting for him; if he stayed awake the darkness closed in around him, suffocating in its cold silence. How he had the strength to move he could not tell, but move he did, despite his longing to fall into eternal slumber. Dreading to sleep and dreading to be awake, it was a wonder he could keep himself alive at all. His pace was sluggish, dark rings beginning to form under his eyes from lack of sleep.

He came to a village and hoped he could find peace and forgetfulness by being his usual lecherous self to every pretty girl he saw. That too, he discovered, was gone from him. His eyes registered that these women were beautiful, and he seemed to recall that he had been attracted to such women, but his heart only called for one, and she was gone from him forever. Not once did he stop thinking about her since his departure, and her final words to him echoed in his mind and heart: _I'll be with you._ He wished she had never said those words. It would have been so much easier for him to forget if she had not. Now her memory followed him, a pain far deeper than any other he experienced.

There was no escape from thoughts of her, and he had no desire to escape. He loved the Demon Slayer, and painful as it was for him to think of her, he continued to do so. The wind whispered her name, teasing his ear with the word that had become so dear to him. Twittering birds brought back her laughter, and when he came into towns he half expected her to appear. But she did not appear, and the disappointment sunk him further into the bog of despair. What hurt him the most was that he had left her without even saying good-bye. She would never now how dear she was to him, how his heart ached for her, how much he truly and wholly loved her. She would continue on with her life, and even as he whispered her name on his last breath, she would not know. When he thought of this, that was when suicide was most appealing. 

He thought of turning back, of going to her and telling her how much he cared, but then rejected the idea. If he did tell her, it would only cause more grief. However she reacted could not change the fact that he would leave her some day. He couldn't bear to hurt Sango like that; he would rather face a thousand years apart from her than to hurt that blessed woman. So he forced himself to press onward, far away from the woman he loved. The further he traveled, the more empty and broken he felt until it was as if he had scattered his heart on the ground and watched as the wind picked up the fragments and carried them away. _Sango, my love and my life..._ He felt like he was dying without her-- dying emotionally, which was the worst kind of death. But he refused to turn back and risk hurting Sango. He didn't even look over his shoulder, knowing he would be tempted to return to her if he did.

_On and on. Does anybody know what we are living for?_

Sometimes she forgot why she was still alive. The next step got harder for her to take, and she would've been only too glad to fall and allow death to claim her, but then like a bolt of lightning she remembered. The grief of his loss had taken such a strong hold on her that she had almost forgotten what it was she was sad about. Now she remembered, every moment that had passed from the moment they met to the moment he left her. She had been walking when she remembered, and she was hit so powerfully by the sorrow of that memory that she fell to her knees as she had done many times since she left Inuyasha and Kagome. She wept and wept until her body no longer had strength to produce tears. She wept over the loss of the memory. How _could_ she have forgotten him, when he occupied her thoughts so often when they were together?

As she wept she realized that she couldn't have truly forgotten him. Perhaps her mind had been too weary to think of it, her spirit too dampened to dwell on such bittersweet memories. She loved him too dearly to forget. She wept harder, this time because she was separated from that man she so dearly loved and so desperately needed by her side. Once she was out of tears she slumped over on her side. Her feet had continued taking her forward in hopes of finding Miroku, but the more she walked the more she lost that hope. And then came the doubts: What if he didn't even love her? What if he was happier by himself? What if he found another woman? Losing him to another woman was a fear she always harbored, ever since she first began to develop feelings for him. She didn't know what she would do if she found him in the arms of another woman; she tried not to think about it.

"Miss?" Sango saw three pretty girls swarm around her, all of them looking concerned. Seeing them made her think of Miroku, and tears formed in her eyes. One of the girls was studying her face. 

"She looks sick. We need to get her inside."

"Pei will help us," said another girl. "Pei, come help!" At once a boy no older than Inuyasha came up. He might've been handsome, but since Sango only had eyes for Miroku she couldn't really tell. The boy bent down and picked her up as if she were a doll.

"She's horribly light," he noted to the girls. He carried her into a nearby village. The whole way, she was wishing it were Miroku holding her instead of this strange boy. She began to cry softly.

"Are you all right, miss?" asked one of the girls. Sango didn't answer; her grief was too strong to express in words. The three girls and the boy brought her to a tavern. She noticed there was a fuda on the door, and immediately connected it with Miroku. She covered her face with her hands so no one would see her tearstained face.

"Do you think she's possessed by a demon?" wondered the boy.

"If she is, I wish that monk had stayed!" answered one of the girls. Sango brought her hands away and brightened up slightly at the mention of a monk. _Could it be Miroku?_

"Did you say a monk was here?" she asked in a quivering voice.

"Yeah," the girl replied. "He was _so_ handsome."

"My papa owns the tavern," added the second girl. "The monk was _so_ kind. He got rid of the dark cloud hovering over our tavern in return for some food. Papa offered a night's stay, but the monk declined." _That's Miroku, all right,_ thought Sango with a smile. Knowing him, he had scammed the innocent people. She was glad that nothing had changed about him.

"I saw him too," chimed in the third girl. "He looked kind of sad to me."

"Did... he say anything to any of you?" questioned Sango. She wasn't sure if she wanted the answer, but she still had to know. These girls were far prettier than her and she knew that Miroku would've gone out of his way to grope all three of them.

"He didn't seem to notice I was there when he was in the tavern," said the second girl. "He was polite enough, but when he spoke it was like he wasn't even really there." This news worried Sango. The Miroku she knew would never have acted that way. It would've broken her heart to hear him groping another woman, but at least then she would know that it was him. _Miroku, what's wrong with you?_ She stood up with help from her boomerang. 

"I'll be going now," she said.

"No way!" protested the first girl, putting a restraining hand on Sango's shoulder. "You look like you're ready to collapse any second."

"Don't try and stop me!" shouted Sango. "If he was here than he may be close by! Please let me go to him!" She pushed away from the girl. The four youths gaped at her. "Now, which way did he go?" she asked in her most business-like manner. They mutely pointed in the direction. She thanked them and started on her way.

"I wonder if she's Sango?" mused the second girl. Sango stopped in her tracks and had to lean on her boomerang for support. She turned around.

"What did you just say?" The girl blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. He told my papa and I not to tell Sango he'd been here. I guess I screwed that up." _Why didn't he want me to know he was here? Does he not want me around anymore?_ That explained why he left her without even saying good-bye. _Want me or not, I have to find him. That's all I can think of to do._

"I'm going now," stated Sango. "Good-bye." She bowed and walked off, following the same path that Miroku took earlier that day. The visit to the village brought her spirits back a little, and the hope of finding Miroku was rekindled. Maybe he wasn't far away. She was troubled that he didn't want her to be with him any longer, and asked herself if she really wanted to find him only to lose him again. Would one moment of happiness be worth the crushing heartbreak that followed? Perhaps it was better for her to give up; that was what Miroku wanted, after all. But in spite of the knowledge that it would be wounded, her heart continued to lead her towards him.

Her life was being eaten away with him gone, and when he rejected her there would be no more life. Still she pressed on, still she searched for him, and she knew she would not give up until she saw him again, come what may. It was the price she paid for loving such a fickle man; she couldn't help it. She loved him exactly the way he was, perversion and all. She would even allow him to grope her if she found him, just to feel the touch of his hand again. But what if he treated her the same way as the girl in the village? What if he didn't even notice her, or just walked away again? Even if she was abandoned again, she simply had to see him if she was ever going to be happy. He carried her happiness with him, even though he didn't know it, and she had to be with him.

He was beginning to feel it had been a mistake for him to leave. He thought he was doing it for the good of his friends, but as he walked he realized that it had been his own selfish reasons that drove him to leave. He didn't want them to see him in his weakness any longer, and certainly didn't want them to witness his horrific death. He thought of all the things he should have said to them before he left, and to Sango in particular. None of them would understand why he had left without warning and why he had not wanted them following him. He had been so immersed in his own problems at the time that he hadn't considered how his friends would react. He was foolish to leave, but he didn't want to go back. He had chosen his path and now had to walk in it.

Walking became a chore. His feet had been hard enough to lift as it was, but now they felt like granite slabs connected to his legs. His body was protesting his insistence to get further and further away from Sango. His stomach refused to take in food, and when he forced it down it would only come back up a few minutes later. Everything around and within him screamed out the name of his one love and still he ignored the urges to return to her. He couldn't go back to her; he couldn't bear to let her watch him die. When the time came he would point the Wind Tunnel at himself and just let it take him. The death was going to be painful enough without having Sango around to witness it.

He gazed at his right hand often. He wished the Wind Tunnel would hurry up and kill him and spare him the torture of waiting for death. Perhaps that was part of the curse too. He would die soon with no heir, and that was fine with him. He didn't want a child if it was not borne by Sango, and he loved her too dearly to take advantage of her like that. Besides, no child deserved to suffer the same sorrow and grief he had. The more he thought about it, the more decisive he became. The curse of the Wind Tunnel would end with him, never to claim the life of another innocent person. This made him a little sad, for he always wanted to be a father, but he would sacrifice that selfish desire.

When he thought about Sango, he wondered what she was thinking about. Would he dare hope that she was thinking of him? It was a small comfort to have that hope. He could live through her and the others, perhaps, until the time when they discovered he had died. He wondered how they would react and what they would say. Luckily they had never known his constant sorrow, so in their memory he would be a cheerful, lecherous monk instead of a depressed lovesick monk that missed the woman he loved every moment of the day. Kagome and Shippo might cry; Inuyasha would be sad, but never admit it; Sango... well, he wasn't sure what she would do, and he wouldn't let himself think about it. The thought of her crying at his death was the only thing that stopped him from bringing it early.

Sango was thinking about Miroku again, not that she ever _stopped_ thinking about him since the moment he left. She thought about their last talk before his departure, and thought of all the things she could have said to him that might have convinced him not to leave. But at the time she hadn't known he would be leaving. She had seen him staring at his right hand. It was so obvious now that he had left because of the Wind Tunnel; why hadn't she been able to see that when he was still with her? She had only touched him that one time to caress his cheek. If she ever found him she would fall into his arms and cling to him, never to let him get away from her again. 

Maybe she would see him once she came to the top of the next hill. Maybe he was just beyond this ridge. Maybe, maybe, maybe... It was the only thing keeping her going. She would get her hopes up as she saw a high place, thinking she would be able to spot him, but then her hopes would plummet again when she reached the top and he was nowhere to be found. It was a constant up and down, just like the constant up and down of the hills and valleys. Up went her hopes with the hills, and down they went again with the valleys. It was enough to make her burst into tears, which she did quite often. She would go on wondering why she continued pushing herself if all she found was disappointment, but then she would spot another hill and her hopes would rise again as if they had forgotten the sadness of the previous shattered hopes.

She hated being separated from him for so long. She didn't even know for sure that he cared about her the same way she cared about him, and yet she tirelessly searched for him. She might not ever find him again; she could have lost him forever and not even know it. Even so, she kept on searching. She would look for him even if it took the rest of her life. She _had_ to tell him that she loved him, no matter what his response to the declaration would be. It would hurt to be rejected, but it would hurt more to let him go without him knowing. That was the reason she found for continuing, for pressing on long after her body and spirit had given up. Her love for him kept her going and would sustain her until they met again. The earth never seemed so big to her before. It stretched out far in wide in every direction.

_The distance may seem long, the journey may seem hard, the pain may seem great, but I will endure it all if only to be with you again._


	3. Rejected

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Three: Rejected

His feet brought him to a high cliff. Because he couldn't sleep, he had been moving day and night with hardly any rest. His legs were aching from the constant strain, his body ready to collapse into itself. He stood at the edge of the cliff and gazed down at the dizzying height. All he needed was to lean over for it to all end. He could already feel gravity pulling at him, inviting him down. His staff fell from his hands. He tottered back and forth; his legs had no more strength. If only he would lean forward, then it would all end. He wouldn't have to worry about the Wind Tunnel consuming him, he wouldn't have to go each day tortured by the memory of Sango. It could all go away in an instant. But when his knees buckled, he collapsed on his back instead.

He lay sprawled on the grass, staring up at the clear blue sky with tears of disappointment streaming down his cheeks. He had been so close, _so close_ to dying and it hadn't happened. Every part of him was ready to give up but it just didn't happen. He was far too tired to roll himself over the cliff. He would have to recover his strength some before he could meet death. His eyelids drooped heavily. He didn't want to sleep, didn't want to dream, but his body had finally conquered his will. His eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep that he hoped he would never wake out of.

Sango was growing weaker by the day. She couldn't get very much food in her system and she felt the need to travel more than rest. In her mind, a moment of rest meant a moment that she could be searching for Miroku had been wasted. When she slept it was always fretful, her eyes snapping open unexpectedly, thinking that Miroku was suddenly back. She would always be disappointed when she found out this wasn't so, and she would get up to continue her search. It was hard to wake up sometimes, she was so tired. The constant doubts that egged at her didn't make things any easier. The only thing she knew for certain was that she would somehow find him again. She had no idea where or when, or what he would do.

She came to a cliff and saw a person lying in the grass. She had just finished crying, so her vision was temporarily blurred. She wiped her eyes and saw the person more clearly. Her weapon dropped out of her hands. She stood there staring at the figure, not daring to hope and yet hoping nonetheless. Was she dreaming? Was this real? Her heart pattered in her chest, and as she gazed at him her heart filled with more love than before. She drew closer and saw that his eyes were closed. She suddenly felt weak in the knees, assuming he had died. She moaned in despair. So she had arrived late after all, and he was lost to her forever. She fell to her knees and wept bitterly.

The sound of someone crying brought him out of his sleep. He opened his eyes and sat up, shaking his weary head. He turned around and nearly fell of the cliff in shock. There was his love, his life kneeling in the grass weeping. He longed to go to her and put his arms around her, but he knew it would do him no good in the end. She still looked as beautiful as ever, but her clothes looked worn out. Had she been following him all this time? The thought surprised him. If she came, where were the others? Why had she come by herself? He sat staring at her for a while, basking in her beauty. He then heaved a heavy sigh and took up his staff. Sango recognized the sound, and looked up. Her eyes were red from the tears, but her lips soon broke into a smile.

"Oh, Miroku! You're alive!" His heart broke when he saw that smile. He wanted desperately to take her in his arms and never let her out of his sight again, to shower her blessed face with kisses, to tell her that he loved her. But he did none of these things. He stood there and stared at her, glad that she was there and yet wishing she hadn't followed him. Sango was shaking, so relieved to be with the man she loved again. She ran towards him but he stepped away from her. She paused, giving him a hurt look.

"Where are the others?" he asked. Out of all the things he wanted to say to her, that was all that came out. _I've missed you more than anything, I love you with all my heart, you are so beautiful... Why are you here?_ He could tell from her face that the question hurt her. 

"Miroku, I've been so worried about you. Is that all you can say?"

"You shouldn't be here," he told her, though in his heart he felt the exact opposite. "Go back."

"Don't make me leave you!" she cried. "I love you, Miroku!" Those three precious words had been the ones he'd been fearing and hoping she would say for a long time. He was the last person to deserve the love of such a wonderful woman, and she was the last person that deserved to be left alone. He couldn't do that to her; he had to do what was best for her, no matter how much it hurt him to do it.

"Sango, I can't stay with you and the others any longer. You must go back, and not follow me." He was shattering his own heart into a million pieces by saying so, but there was no other choice. He hated to see her gaze at him with her beautiful eyes full of love and pain. He hated to see her weep over him, and he would especially hate to break her heart, but he would rather her be broken for a while instead of forever. _My death would only destroy her if I allow her to love me,_ he reasoned.

"I won't go! I want to stay here with you!"

"No, Sango, you mustn't."

"I must!" she insisted, and threw her arms around him before he could stop her. He returned the embrace tenderly, wanting and not wanting it to end. He chocked back a sob. This woman that he loved and longed for cared for him in return. He never wanted to let go, and yet knew he had to. He brought his hands to her shoulders and shoved her back.

"Stay away from me, Sango! Don't come near me again!" He turned and slid down the cliff so he wouldn't have to see her any longer. Hot tears escaped his eyes. His body was already aching to feel hers pressed close again, and his lips wanted to kiss hers. He reached the bottom of the cliff and started pulling off the rings from his staff so he would no longer make any noise. He sobbed the whole time, wishing he hadn't had to do that to Sango. Once all the rings were removed he started walking, trying to put as much distance between himself and Sango as he could.

"I love you too, Sango," he whispered. "I love you more than anything else in the world, which is why I cannot allow you to be with me. I'm so desperately sorry." He could hear her screaming out his name in anguish, but he did not stop. He kept on going, tears stinging his cheeks.

Sango had pressed her body against his just as she had imagined. She was thrilled when he returned the embrace. Maybe all of her doubts had been for nothing, and he truly cared about her in return. She rubbed her cheek on his chest and sighed happily. This was where she was meant to be, where she would be truly happy. Then his hands moved to her shoulders and he pushed her away. She fell on her bottom hard, knocking the wind out of her. She sat there staring at him, hurt and confused. It had felt so right, so wonderfully perfect being held in his arms, and she could feel that he wanted her there. Why, then, did he push her away? His handsome face stared at her, his eyes wild and frightened. 

"Stay away from me, Sango! Don't come near me again!" he shouted. He turned and slid down the cliff, leaving Sango to watch the shattered remains of her heart crush into dust. After all that searching, all that worry, all of those hopes, things had turned out exactly as she had feared: he didn't want her. She was too hurt to cry. She hugged herself and rocked back and forth. He hadn't even reacted to her declaration of love. He just kept telling her to go away, and when she wouldn't he pushed her. He had looked frightened... frightened of what? Why was he doing this? She told him she loved him; why had he been so calloused that he didn't even acknowledge that?

"Miroku!" she screamed in anguish. "Miroku!" The words echoed on the wind.

Rejected, denied, cast aside by the one man she loved most in the world. The world had been cruel enough to take him away from her. Now he was denying her the love she wanted from him so badly, the love she thought he wanted as well. When she gazed into his eyes she thought she saw some inner turmoil raging in those dark orbs. He looked frightened and sad, and she detected no malice in his words. She wondered what she could have possibly done that made him change his mind about her. Her heart was too crushed, far too wounded, and she wasn't sure she wanted to live if she wasn't with Miroku. She sank down into the grass and remembered how his body had felt. In that brief moment of happiness before she was utterly destroyed, she felt more alive and like herself than she had in a long time. But now she was nothing but a shell of a person.

"Miroku," she whispered, the name bringing tears of loneliness. "Miroku... Miroku..."

Now there was truly nothing left for him to live for. He could not go back to Sango, not now or ever. He knew he had crushed her, and perhaps even killed her emotionally. He hated to leave her thinking he didn't love her, but it was much better for her to think so than to live without him. He crushed not only her heart and hopes, but his as well. They would be nothing without each other, but his death would destroy her, and he didn't want that to happen. The wound he inflicted on her would heal in time and maybe she would even learn to live without him. As for himself, she was all he would think of until he was finally killed by the Wind Tunnel. The only thing he regretted was that he had never kissed her. He wanted to, but at the last minute he couldn't.

Dying and yet still somehow alive, he allowed the tears to come. Fate was a cruel thing in his eyes. It had doomed him to die since the day he was born, but in between it saw fit to torture him by allowing him to fall in love. That just made the curse of the Wind Tunnel even harder for him to bear. _Love is wasted on the dying,_ he thought. He couldn't survive without Sango's love, but he wasn't going to be surviving anyway, so it didn't matter any longer. He had no idea where he was going. He had no destination in mind and no reason to go anywhere. He just kept going, on and on, further and further. There was still a trace of her warmth on his body. He had felt her rubbing her head on his chest, and for the briefest moment he thought maybe he didn't have to leave. But the moment passed, and he took leave of her. 

"Until my very last breath, I will love you, dearest Sango," he vowed.

"I won't give up," said Sango, rising to her feet. There had been something wrong with Miroku that made him act unlike himself. Maybe he really did love her, but it was that something that made him push her away. "I'll keep coming back to you until I know what's wrong. Even if you push me away a hundred times, I'll still come back to you. I love you that much." With that she stood up and started climbing down the cliff. 


	4. United

__

Four: United

Water cascaded down the slope, crashing to the craggy rocks below. Foam and water vapor collected near the bottom, swirling in the wind. All other sounds were drowned out by the roaring waterfall. A lone figure stood by the bank of the river. The wind pushed up against this person's back, trying to topple the figure over the edge. Sobs were coming from this person's throat, sobs of unspeakable torture and anguish. The waterfall roared on, the sobs falling upon empty air and being swallowed by the overpowering sound of the water as it spilled over the edge. The person gazed down at the rocks below, and considered jumping. There was nothing to life for and everything had stopped being important in that one fateful moment. The one thing that could've possibly make this person happy was gone forever; all that was left was a body no longer willing to go on.

There had been moments when, despite everything suffered, this lonely person had forced the body to press on. But the spirit that had given the person strength was gone, and not even the hope that once drove the person onward could be rekindled. To be separated from the one this person loved more than anyone in the world only helped to take what life the person possessed away. It was a miracle that the person had survived for so long, since no food had been consumed and hardly any time was given for rest. At last the body could no longer go on, and the spirit had long since died. There was nothing to cling on to, nothing to go back to, no reason to go on, and only death could stop the pain and sorrow that tortured this poor soul. Only death was willing to embrace this person now....

Miroku climbed up the side of the waterfall. He had gotten rid of his only love, for good this time, and planned to throw himself off once he got to the top. He had tied a heavy rock around his neck just in case the fall didn't kill him. No more waiting around for him; no more wondering when the Wind Tunnel would at last claim his life; no more being tortured with love he couldn't have; no more crawling through his remaining days in emotional agony. He would at last be free from life and would fall into the waiting hands of death. He climbed with more energy than he had used in a long time. His body was giving one last burst of energy, knowing that soon he would not need it any longer. He could already feel a great weight being lifted off of his shoulders as he willingly drew closer to his death.

He reached the top and stopped, his breath catching in his throat. His body felt frozen in place, and only the beating of his heart reminded him he was still alive. He stood there and stared. He didn't know whether to weep for joy or sorrow; at the moment he was far too stunned to do either. His hands trembled at his side, and he blinked several times to make sure he wasn't just seeing things. At last he got control of his limbs and managed to move them closer to the lone figure standing near the water's edge. His heart melted with love and admiration for the woman he was gazing at. He watched as her long hair danced in the breeze, her clothes whipping around her body. Her weapon was resting at her side and he could see her shoulders shaking.

"You came back," he said in disbelief. He hadn't expected her to continue following, especially after the way he had treated her before. _She must really love me,_ he realized. _What am I thinking, trying to destroy her like this? I know I'm going to die, but that doesn't mean I have to wound her so deeply in the process. Besides, I love her far too much to stay away from her. Oh, dearest Sango, I hope you'll forgive this foolish monk._ He drew closer still, reaching out to touch her. The pounding water was drowning out any words he could speak to her. To his horror, he saw her jump off the edge.

"Sango, no!!!!" he screamed.

She thought she heard her name being called. The next instant, her fall was interrupted. Her arm jerked painfully; she could feel two hands on her right arm, clutching it tightly. She glanced up and felt tears well up when she saw whom had saved her. He shouted something at her, but the water was too loud and she couldn't hear him. He started pulling her up, and she helped him along by swinging her legs onto the rocky edge and climbing up. She reached the top with his help and collapsed into his arms. He held her close, weeping in relief. She wept too, and for a moment they laid there holding each other.

"Let's go where we can hear each other," he suggested. She agreed and together they got up and walked away from the waterfall. They came to a valley covered in flowers, and sat down next to each other. 

"Miroku, you're here," she sighed happily, crawling into his arms. He welcomed her there, smiling.

"I'm so sorry, Sango. I've been such a fool. I thought to protect you, when in the end I was only killing us both." One of his hands was on her stomach and the other was on her breasts. _After all that's happened, he's still Miroku,_ she thought happily. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "I love you," he whispered. Those three words made her happier than anything else in the world could've.

"And I love you, Miroku," she responded. All of the grief and pain the two had gone through fell away, and only the love they held for one another remained. She turned to face him, to gaze at that handsome monk she had fallen in love with. "I'll never let you get away from me again," she said with a smile.

"Sango..." She knew that he would one day be killed by the Wind Tunnel, and yet she was willing to give all her heart to him. He never dreamt he would have someone love him so much. He stroked the dear woman's cheek, as she had done his what seemed like only a moment ago now that the nightmare was over. He pressed his lips to hers and relished in the taste of her perfect mouth. She sank into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. The two of them were sinking down into the grass, though which one of them was to blame for this was hard to say.

"Wait, Sango. I... can't do this to you," he said, pulling away. She laid in the grass and stared up at him, her eyes full of trust and love.

"Miroku, I'm going to lose you some day. I know this is true, and as hard as it is for me, I've accepted it. I want to at least have a son to remember you by." He blushed, gazing at the woman he loved in surprise. "I know you want to," she added.

"I _do_ want to," he admitted, "but I simply cannot take advantage of you like this."

"That doesn't sound much like the perverted monk I fell in love with," she noted with a wry smile. 

"Ah, so it's perversion you want, eh? Don't say I didn't warn you!" he smiled, bearing down on her with another passionate kiss.

Miroku awoke feeling more alive and fresh than he had in a long time. In his arms, still sleeping peacefully, was the dear love of his life. He lovingly planted a kiss on her forehead. She sighed in her sleep and snuggled closer to his body. Just when he thought he couldn't love her any deeper, he did. He had abandoned and rejected her, and still she persisted on being with him. He was grateful that she had, for he wasn't complete without her. He was back to being alive again and really enjoying it. With her in his arms, not even the threat of the Wind Tunnel could dampen his spirits. It was like a shadow lurking in the distant future: he knew it was there waiting for him, but he was no longer afraid of it.

"Sango, my love? Wake up." Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at him.

"Hello there, handsome," she greeted. "I just had a horrible nightmare that you abandoned me and made me look all over for you. In part of the dream, you pushed me and told me never to come near you again. It was horrible."

"I had the same nightmare," he told her. "But don't worry; it's over now, and we're together." He kissed her lips. "Now, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"I wanted to ask you something too," she said.

"Ladies first."

"I was just wondering, what was it you said to me when you saved me?"

"Oh, that! I said, 'I'm not letting you go, I swear it'." Sango blushed, smiling happily. "I meant it too, love. I'm never going to let you go again. The days I spent apart from you taught me I simply cannot live without you."

"Yes, I learned the same thing," she nodded. "Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?"

"Well, I don't wish to ruin the mood or anything like that, but... where are Inuyasha and the others?" Sango blinked; she hadn't given them a moment of thought since she began her search for Miroku. How long had they been gone? While searching it felt to Sango like an eternity, but now that she was with Miroku it all seemed like a nightmare that only lasted a moment.

"I honestly don't know," she confessed. "I was so focused on finding you that I completely forgot about them."

"I know; I too lost all sense of everything." Just from looking into her eyes Miroku could tell she was thinking the same thing he was.

"Let's go find them," they said in unison.

"Come on, Inuyasha! It's been a _week_ now! I'm starting to get really worried about Sango!" The half-demon growled, glaring at Kagome irritably. He and Kilala had been trying to track down Sango for a week but couldn't seem to find any trace of her.

"And _who's_ the one that said we should leave her alone for a while?" he retorted.

"I didn't think she'd be gone for this long!" Inuyasha's ears suddenly went up. Kilala glanced up, then raced off.

"Whoa, Kilala! Slow down!" shouted Shippo, clinging onto the animal's fur.

"What is it, Inuyasha?" asked Kagome. Inuyasha sniffed the air.

"Sango and Miroku!" he gasped. "They're back!" He ran off with Kagome following. The group was so excited that their friends had returned that they almost crashed into the couple when they met. Kilala transformed and rushed into her master's arms. Shippo was clinging onto Miroku's leg, weeping happily. Inuyasha and Kagome were too happy for words; they just smiled at their friends.

"Kilala, I missed you!" exulted Sango, rubbing her cheek on the animal's head. "I missed all of you."

"Yes, you must forgive us for leaving so suddenly," said Miroku.

"Yeah, well, what the hell were you guys _doing_ for a whole week?" demanded Inuyasha. He looked angry, but everyone could tell he was relieved to have his friends back. Miroku and Sango exchanged smiles, and Miroku slipped his arm around Sango's waist.

"We just had to get away and... do some soul-searching," he explained. "Or should I say soul _mate_ searching."

"You mean, you and Sango....?" gasped Kagome, grinning in delight. Miroku nodded his head. "Oh, that's so great! I _knew_ you two would be together!" She hugged the new couple and congratulated them.

"I guess this means you can't be lecherous anymore, huh, Miroku?" teased Inuyasha.

"That is not a big loss to me," shrugged the monk.

"Well, come on! Enough standing around here! Let's celebrate in style!" insisted Kagome, pushing Miroku and Sango forward. Sango rested her head on Miroku's chest and smiled up at him. He returned it, and squeezed her closer. 

Death was something that came to everyone. One day it would come to them both; it was just a matter of when. The two of them decided not to worry about that, and enjoy life while they had it.

"Oh, he's such a darling little boy!" cooed Kagome, hugging the child close to her chest. The child cooed and played with the young woman's long black hair. "And it looks like he's already getting a fondness for women, just like his father!" Sango chuckled lightly and bestowed a fond glance at her baby son.

"He looks like his father, too. And speaking of babies... when are you do?" Kagome blushed deep red. 

"I think I still have a month or two to go, but I really wish I could just get these kids out right now!"

"You're sure there's more than one?" Sango cast a critical eye on her friend's swollen belly. Kagome _did_ seem bigger than Sango had been during her pregnancy, but that might have been because Kagome was younger.

"Inuyasha checked. He says he can hear at least two heartbeats in there other than mine." Kagome beamed happily. "I love twins! I can't wait to see what they look like!" Sango chuckled at the younger woman's enthusiasm.

"You won't be so excited when it comes time to deliver." She looked around for her lover, but couldn't find him anywhere. "Have you seen Miroku? He's been acting very peculiar lately, and I'm starting to worry about him." Kagome shrugged her shoulders.

"Sorry, haven't seen him." Sango sighed in exasperation and went out in search of the monk. She loved the man dearly, but sometimes he got on her nerves. Lately he had been going off on his own for hours at a time and never bothered telling here where he'd been or what he'd been doing. She didn't think he would be with a woman; he loved her way too much for that. Still, she couldn't help worry that there was something wrong with him.

As she walked she heard an agonizing screech well up from somewhere in the distance. She recognized the voice at once to belong to Miroku, and started to run. She didn't have her weapon with her, but if he was in danger she would do all she could to help him. She dashed into a clearing and found the man he loved. He wasn't being attacked, but she could tell right away what the cause of his screeching was. He had his left arm clutching his right, and a look of horrific pain was etched on his handsome face. For a moment she stood there staring at him in horror, then her legs remembered how to move and she rushed towards him.

"Miroku, no!" He saw her and his eyes went wide in terror.

"Get away!" he shouted. "Get away before you're pulled in!"

"You're not leaving me!" she retorted.

"I can't stop it, Sango! _Please_, get out of here!" The Wind Tunnel in his hand had been growing as they spoke, and it was already beginning to draw Miroku in. He let out another wail of agony. Sango shut her eyes tightly, hot tears streaming out. The man she loved was being forced to endure a painful death, and he expected her to just walk away. She snapped her eyes open; her jaw was set, a look of determination on her face.

"I won't let you leave me here like this! I'm coming with you!" 

"Stop! Sango, don't!" But she paid him no attention. She ran towards him and clasped her arms around his waist tightly. She glanced up at the man she loved and saw him staring at her in admiration. In his eyes she saw he didn't want her to be doing this, but he had accepted the fact that she was going to no matter what he said. "I wish... it didn't have to be this way," he said mournfully.

"I know, but at least we'll be together." 

"But what about our son?"

"Kagome and Inuyasha will take care of him." She kissed his cheek. "I don't want to live without you, Miroku. I love you with all of my heart."

"And I love you, Sango," he returned. He put his left arm around her and drew her close, kissing her lips for the last time.

****

~End 


End file.
